Incredibly, Christmas – a festival in which a creepy old man labelled a saint by much of society dons outlandish clothing and promises to make children's dreams come true by sneaking silently into their homes at night – hasn't been cancelled in the wake of Savilegate.Astonishingly, his take on the new John Lewis ad is even funnier:
First up, John Lewis, the store that made headlines in 2011 with a weepy fable about a kiddywink counting the minutes until he could horrify his parents with a gift-wrapped dog's head in a box. This year's effort is a stab at romance. It starts with a snowman falling in love with a snowgirl. She smiles, but she's not really reciprocating. Hey, maybe she's frigid.The man is incredible and it appears he has a new book out. It would make an ideal Xmas gift for someone. Myself included.
Undeterred, our "hero" goes on an epic journey to the shops to buy his cold, inexpressive partner a gift. We've all been there. Since he can't move on his own, old snowbollocks presumably needs to be dismantled and rebuilt literally hundreds of times along the route, most likely by children, which makes the whole thing a disgraceful celebration of child labour. And at Christmas too. Unforgivable.
Anyway, without so much as a "thank you" to the underage slave army that made his expedition possible, selfish Mr Snowman eventually makes it back, and presents his snowy goddess with a new pair of gloves and a hat – a gesture that warms her heart, although not quite enough to make her tits melt off. Fortunately, the advert ends just before he clumsily attempts to mount her like a donkey, which is just as well since being made of snow, she can surely only be a few days old at the most. And we've all had enough paedogeddon for one year.